Why “Finding Yourself” Is Impossible (and why that’s okay)

Young people constantly receive the advice to “go out and find themselves.” American culture inaccurately equates “finding yourself” to venturing on a European summer escapade; a passport possessing the privileged insight to who we are deep down. While detaching from a familiar background seems like a valid way to unfold the layers of who you are without the confines of your upbringing, a vacation is merely temporary. Awaiting you at the terminal is your life as you understand it: ritualistic, sometimes mundane, and dependent on a degree of sacrifice. For these reasons, “finding yourself” is not a one-and-done accomplishment that follows graduation. “Finding yourself” is not a goal like getting into college or receiving a raise at work.

As a society, we have given “finding yourself” too much power, as if you will instantly be capable of answering life’s most convoluted questions once you scavenge the hidden depths of your spirit and uncover the golden egg known as the “self.” Unfortunately, a majority of society believes a part of the self is enough to understand the whole. If someone likes math, they pursue a career in math, and due to the natural limitations of a structured society, this one aspect dictates the time they have left to explore other passions. However, I do not believe humans exist for one sole purpose, or that, at any moment, we could be found in the same manner as when we uncover a forgotten charm bracelet stuck on the bottom of a drawer.

I was reluctant to share my ideas about this topic because it has become so mainstream and widely accepted. And yet, it's a disservice to young people everywhere to engrave the expectation that "finding themselves" is a material goal since we aren't given a handbook or many tips on how to even go about it. For once, I would love to hear the older generation openly and honestly engage in this discussion. More so than that, I hope this discussion could ease some of the worry young people contain when trying to discover which career aligns with their passions, and normalize the idea that they are more than just a title.

I think a far more productive aspiration in opposition to “finding yourself” is to always walk through life with an open mind. The French poststructural theorist Roland Barthes brings up a similar argument in his work, The Death of the Author, where he argues against the all-knowing “Author function” which prevents the proliferation of new knowledge by believing the meaning of a text could be answered by resorting back to the author. In a similar way, believing we can define our existence prevents us from exploring the endless possibilities of what we can accomplish. If we could ever “find ourselves” there would be no need to keep looking, to keep climbing, and to keep growing. Additionally, listening to the discouraging comments of others who inaccurately dictate our potential can have the same constrictive effect, acting as a "stop clause" to the heights we can reach.

I decided to address this elusive "finding yourself" experience because for me, it has felt like driving on the highway, but always missing my exit. Once you finally accomplish the goals you worked for, you are only faced with more challenges and roads ahead. I think life would be awfully boring if we could explain our purpose as easily as we can describe an orange or define a word. I’m not sure if I will ever “find myself” in the eureka-like moment pop culture has depicted it as, but this won't stop me from becoming the best human being I can. Writing is my sanctuary and law is my aspirational vocation; however, who I am as a person cannot be defined through externalities. Once you take away the pressure to “find yourself,” you can embark on a journey of endless discovery.