Rediscovery Amid Freedom

I don’t hear people talk about the small sacrifices you must make to achieve a particular goal. We all know about the big sacrifices, like losing your free time, missing out on family outings and holiday celebrations, and falling behind on TV shows. However, what is often overlooked is the abandonment of beauty and rhythm.

I dedicated the past eight months to preparing for an exam.

Throughout those eight months, not a single day passed where I wasn’t stressed about studying or felt guilty for not studying. Even relatively happy and relaxed moments were tainted by a faint, bitter taste of guilt.

I felt guilty for writing, creating art, and taking time to just do nothing. I felt guilty for watching movies, TV shows that made me laugh, and going out on simple Target runs with friends.

My brain became numb because I was training to think in a way that was neither natural nor intuitive. It took every ounce of effort in my being to push through this challenge and learn the rules of the game.

As someone who appreciates literature that speaks to the complexity of the human condition, standardized testing has always made me feel frustrated and suffocated. There is no beauty in standardized testing; the types of reading passages “they” want you to master possess no rhythm, style, or pizzazz. There are no insightful interpretations or fruitful discussions. There is only one correct answer A through E. Most of the population, as well as myself, do not thrive under such circumstances. Exams such as this exist precisely for this reason.

The time I spent studying was humbling, to say the least. These are the sacrifices we don’t think about: the discomfort of retraining your brain and learning to master skills that challenge our schools of thought.

As a result, I was too stressed to write and became so rusty that the words disappeared from my tongue. When you neglect a craft, you feel like its place in your heart is fading away. Even when I would attempt to write, my ideas seemed blurry and choppy. The sentences made no sense and the time utilized felt stolen. Now that I am getting back into writing, I realize you can never lose something ingrained in your DNA.

Freedom looks different to everyone. For me, freedom exists in creating spaces all your own. Having finally put away my prep material, I feel free knowing I can take a break from passages ridden with poor structure and deliberately deceitful language devoid of passion.

Now I am on a journey to rediscover the small things I sacrificed to conquer a test that, at times, foolishly made me doubt my abilities.

I’m proud this hurdle is behind me. I am coming to terms with all of the sacrifices to come because I realize it’s an unavoidable aspect of life. Nonetheless, I look forward to setting personal goals for myself so I can avoid repeating the mistakes that prevented me from finding peace and balance in the present.

I am excited to begin this new chapter of my life. Charming Chatter might look a little different moving forward. I hope you are all ready to join me on this journey of personal growth.